[Warning: This is a blog post, and thus will get personal.]
What I call my "depression" has never been clinically diagnosed. It's something I've kept mostly to myself, and I don't know that it could be called a "disability". Thus it might arguably be called something else, so I'll simply apply the old-fashioned term of "Melancolia" to it.
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My guess is, it started around the time I was 17, when I was nearing the end of a dark tunnel called "High School", but seeing no light shining there.
After a long and mostly stimulating childhood which I had drawn out as long as I could, and then maintained artificially every chance I got, I was finally about to enter the "real world". A dreary, dismal place where I perceived no place for me and my Imagination-loving ways.
Luckily, it was just about then that I started writing, and in more ways than one it saved me. It got me through the next years more-or-less unscathed. Thedepression Melancolia stayed, but I had the means to study it, explore it, enjoy it even, all through my transition into full Adulthood.
20 years later, and I've accepted the fact that I'm now a working man who has to support his wife and four kids. I've stopped writing, have even gone through a period of grief of sorts about it, but finally I have said my goodbyes to it. I can now live with the fact that there's absolutely nothing special about me. My Ego has pretty much been reduced to nothing.
I don't like my work (to put it mildly), I am disgusted by my day and age, and I long to see the Western Empire fail & fall before it kills everything on this planet. That's the kind of cheerful guy I am.
So what's left of me? Not much. I still have a head-full of (weird) ideas; I just don't write them down anymore. I still maintain the Observer's stance throughout most of my life.
My Melancolia is a long-time friend and acquaintance, something I've accepted as part of who I am. I see nothing wrong with who and what I am.
But... it's become harder and harder for me to feel pleasure, in whatever shape or size. I feel great love for my wife and children, but everything else, everything I once held dear, feels pretty bland and tasteless.
But recently (let's say, in the last two years, starting when I bought Castle Ravenloft, and having intensified since the beginning of this year with my purchases of War of the Ring and Arkham Horror), I've been unexpectedly drawn, stimulated and sporadically brought back to life by games. Board games. As if I had gone through some sort of trajectory that went: Games (childhood & teenage years) --> Writing (young adulthood) --> Work (adulthood), right back to --> Games (middle-age).
The more I analyze it, the more sense it makes. Those games allow me to go back to places I had previously loved and felt so much a part of.
Middle-Earth, which I first encountered around the age of three, then went back to around the age of 15, then again with the movies when I was an adult, I can now enjoy again thanks to War of the Ring and the Lord of the Rings card game. Eventually, I'd also like to try Lord of the Rings, Middle Earth-Quest.
The Cthulhu Mythos, which I fell into around the age of 16, I can now roam in and revel, thanks to Arkham Horror. Eventually, too, I hope to try Mansions of Madness and the LCG.
Dungeons and Dragons, which was revealed to me around the age of 8, and which sustained me for years during my High School years, I can now go back to, thanks to the recent D&D board games (all three Adventure System games, Conquest of Nerath, Dungeon Command). I'm also curious about Defenders of the Realm, Descent, Runewars, Battlelore.
In the future, I also plan to...
... revisit the excitement and vibrant universe of Indiana Jones (which blew me away when I saw it on video, around the time I was 10) by getting Fortune and Glory, and maybe also The Adventurers: Temple of Chac.
... rekindle my old and intense obsession for vampires by discovering and playing Fury of Dracula, Touch of Evil.
... go back to one of my first major passions, Star Wars, by playing X-Wing, the upcoming LCG (and anything else Fantasy Flight come up with for us!). (I've been kinda fed up with all things Star Wars in the last ten years, but the X-Wing game just gives me the old feeling I had when playing with my actions figures.)
If there were (good) board games for Tintin, Tom Sawyer, King's Quest and DragonLance, I'd be all set. :D
So here it is. Maybe this "going back to childhood" is pathetic. Frankly, I don't care. It's given me some kind of interior spark again, and for that I'm grateful.
What I call my "depression" has never been clinically diagnosed. It's something I've kept mostly to myself, and I don't know that it could be called a "disability". Thus it might arguably be called something else, so I'll simply apply the old-fashioned term of "Melancolia" to it.
My guess is, it started around the time I was 17, when I was nearing the end of a dark tunnel called "High School", but seeing no light shining there.
After a long and mostly stimulating childhood which I had drawn out as long as I could, and then maintained artificially every chance I got, I was finally about to enter the "real world". A dreary, dismal place where I perceived no place for me and my Imagination-loving ways.
Luckily, it was just about then that I started writing, and in more ways than one it saved me. It got me through the next years more-or-less unscathed. The
20 years later, and I've accepted the fact that I'm now a working man who has to support his wife and four kids. I've stopped writing, have even gone through a period of grief of sorts about it, but finally I have said my goodbyes to it. I can now live with the fact that there's absolutely nothing special about me. My Ego has pretty much been reduced to nothing.
I don't like my work (to put it mildly), I am disgusted by my day and age, and I long to see the Western Empire fail & fall before it kills everything on this planet. That's the kind of cheerful guy I am.
So what's left of me? Not much. I still have a head-full of (weird) ideas; I just don't write them down anymore. I still maintain the Observer's stance throughout most of my life.
My Melancolia is a long-time friend and acquaintance, something I've accepted as part of who I am. I see nothing wrong with who and what I am.
But... it's become harder and harder for me to feel pleasure, in whatever shape or size. I feel great love for my wife and children, but everything else, everything I once held dear, feels pretty bland and tasteless.
But recently (let's say, in the last two years, starting when I bought Castle Ravenloft, and having intensified since the beginning of this year with my purchases of War of the Ring and Arkham Horror), I've been unexpectedly drawn, stimulated and sporadically brought back to life by games. Board games. As if I had gone through some sort of trajectory that went: Games (childhood & teenage years) --> Writing (young adulthood) --> Work (adulthood), right back to --> Games (middle-age).
The more I analyze it, the more sense it makes. Those games allow me to go back to places I had previously loved and felt so much a part of.
Middle-Earth, which I first encountered around the age of three, then went back to around the age of 15, then again with the movies when I was an adult, I can now enjoy again thanks to War of the Ring and the Lord of the Rings card game. Eventually, I'd also like to try Lord of the Rings, Middle Earth-Quest.
The Cthulhu Mythos, which I fell into around the age of 16, I can now roam in and revel, thanks to Arkham Horror. Eventually, too, I hope to try Mansions of Madness and the LCG.
Dungeons and Dragons, which was revealed to me around the age of 8, and which sustained me for years during my High School years, I can now go back to, thanks to the recent D&D board games (all three Adventure System games, Conquest of Nerath, Dungeon Command). I'm also curious about Defenders of the Realm, Descent, Runewars, Battlelore.
In the future, I also plan to...
... revisit the excitement and vibrant universe of Indiana Jones (which blew me away when I saw it on video, around the time I was 10) by getting Fortune and Glory, and maybe also The Adventurers: Temple of Chac.
... rekindle my old and intense obsession for vampires by discovering and playing Fury of Dracula, Touch of Evil.
... go back to one of my first major passions, Star Wars, by playing X-Wing, the upcoming LCG (and anything else Fantasy Flight come up with for us!). (I've been kinda fed up with all things Star Wars in the last ten years, but the X-Wing game just gives me the old feeling I had when playing with my actions figures.)
If there were (good) board games for Tintin, Tom Sawyer, King's Quest and DragonLance, I'd be all set. :D
So here it is. Maybe this "going back to childhood" is pathetic. Frankly, I don't care. It's given me some kind of interior spark again, and for that I'm grateful.
